Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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