I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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