Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
