i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
