JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
