in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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