I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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