Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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