I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You are the jesus of drinking
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
