Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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