hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
