My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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