the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
