I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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