what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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