He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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