I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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