at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
