I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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