i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
