I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
