Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Girls should come with a carfax report
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
