she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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