i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
