I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
