I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
