Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
