my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
