3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
