he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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