Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
