Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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