Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
