I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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