Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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