Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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