The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
