I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
