Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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