I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize