I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
