Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
