My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I need moral support for this bender
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
