I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
