i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
