Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
