he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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