I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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