You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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