I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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