is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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