I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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