conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
