Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
