I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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