I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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