My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize