Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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