I'm really into asian looking animals
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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