you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
