We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
