I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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