He uses pillows to masturbate.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
