Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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