you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
